Returning to the motherland

As I sit in My dad, stepmum and sisters house in Kentford, Suffolk I have to say that being back in suffolk is a somewhat welcome break, this is surprising because two years previous, I hated being here, being in Winch was everything to me: my friends, the energy, the city. I loved every minute there and every minute here was horrid. I have come to realise that this is merely because of the energy I put into being here now than I did two years ago.

You see I've ALWAYS run on energy's, the world is mish mash of both Positive and Negative energy, I sense it. Much the way people view things in Colours, associate places with smells or tastes or textures well for me it is all about energy. I used to think that this was more to do with something I had no control over, if somewhere had a positive energy, I could apply positive energy to it, and if negative the same connotation. However what I have come to realise is that this is actual fact has NOTHING to do with the place already having this energy. It is me, I place Positives and Negatives on these places and by doing this fool myself into believing that these places are conducting their energy's, nowadays I am alot more aware of this and apply being positive to wherever I go and therefore bring out the positivity within them.

but enough about energy's.

I have only been back in suffolk for less than a week but so far I feel good. My life in winchester while as amazing and awesome as it was, was dragging on me a bit, with the hectic cannabis consumption I was sure I was falling into a psychotic hole, I mean I don't believe I'm losing my mind, moreover falling into a pattern that could become expensive and dangerous to my health. again as I've said in previous posts, I don't want to quit. Its not that I think I don't have the willpower, I simply just don't want to. I enjoy it and I feel I will continue to enjoy it for a while from now. Again however this is not the only reason behind such beliefs that the life is a little down. 

I am in trouble with Halifax once more, ever since I fucked with them they have been draining me of every penny and this time is has become illegal, they continue to fine and charge me until it no longer represents the true value of what I owed them and now all I have to do is send a letter to them requesting my statements and once I have that I can then request they refund ALL the money they have taken of me, in this recession it might be quite hard to do so but I feel justified in my actions, I however don't seem to have the capacity to tell them this, its easier to not pick up the phone than it is to pick it up and threaten them with court action. I fear for the people at Battery Hill as I never changed my address and eventually Halifax will come looking for me. I know what I want to tell them and someday soon I will. 

Meanwhile here in suffolk things seem to be in a delicate balance as far as the family is concerned. This time last year my younger sister lived at my mums still and things were getting quite hectic between them, then a couple of weeks later it all fell apart, my sister moved to my dads and both her and my older sister vowed never to return. My mum almost didn't seem to care, I figure her and My step-dad were just glad to be rid of the hassle. but then my younger sister slipped into depression and it all turned a bit horrid.

I love my family, I don't just have "The Love For My Family Is Infinite" in latin inked onto my stomach for no reason, I truly do but in alot of ways we all seem determined to tear the whole facade apart. Me and my older sister keep clear of most of it now, tucked away in our uni-towns miles from here to avoid the problems, its not healthy but its better for us. I hope my younger sister finds the same, I know deep inside that she would dig being at uni and having a group of close friends around her, like I do. but she doesn't really seem to want that and I respect this decision.

I should really spend more time with them, but the chaos is too much sometimes, right now there is a calm but its bound to spill over into a mess again. Again like I've said in previous posts I don't have much in the way of aggressive words so alot of my childhood was spent keeping quiet during arguments, now I just don't bother with the hassle. because I'm home so little I have a very prodigal son element to my visits which always makes them worthwhile and fun, moderation is the key and I split time between the two sides of my family in order to keep this balance.

Other than the family, my issues are now solely placed on being lonely, My ex has a boyfriend now and even though it is a rushed into affair that is bound to fall apart at some point, it doesn't help my loneliness, to be completely cliche I feel I might be this way forever. oh well something will work out eventually I guess

I've found that I've been ending all my posts with a quote and this one is no different, I have three cats in my family, Kurt and Courtney at my mums house (originally my sisters cats before she moved out) and Ginger at my dads house. Kurt and Courtney have a bad habit of clambering all over all kinds of furniture in my house in order to get attention.

Fran Liebowitz once said "No Animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless convinced that they can hold their own in the conversation."

True True

Musical Diversity In A World Of Nonsense.

This weekend has been a varied smorgasbord of musical variety, it has been an awesome weekend and great to have my last full weekend in winch with my friends before I go back to suffolk for easter.

Firstly was Llama Lounge on Friday night which of course was up to a high Dubstep standard as always. It was strangely enough held in the railway where I usually am on a friday for LHC, however as stated before it wasn't and this was somewhat perfect as there might of been a chance of a certain someone being there in that case, but due to the circumstances they weren't so it made my evening better.

Dubstep is a genre I admittedly am new to enjoying. My Housemates Sam and Robin were into it a year before I was, this had a lot to do with the fact that they lived together and until I moved into my house I do now, I didn't like it for the pettiest of reasons............because I love Dub Reggae and it felt to me that it stole the phrase "Dub" from the reggae and placed it onto this genre of music. What I have come to realise this year is how diverse and alive this music is. I've come to love it in more ways than I choose to explain, lets just say that this music is new, exciting and its also the first genre of modern music that I'm alive to experience as its unfolding before my ears. Friday night was a delve into that side of my musical personality and it lived up to expectations and I expect to hear much more live dubstep before I die.

and so onto Saturday. now the original plan was to go to Obese Beats which again was being held at the railway. Now while I enjoy my drum'n'bass/filthy electro it was the dubstep that I would of wanted to go for. About halfway through last week. I discovered that upstairs at the railway on the same night was the debut night of Second Hand Funk: a Funk/Soul/Rnb/Motown event, I decided that as the previous night I had indulged myself in four hours of dubstep that paying the three pound entry fee to enjoy twenty minutes of dubstep wasn't worth it compared with the one pound entry fee to SHF.

I put on my Parliament Funkadelic T-Shirt and prepared myself for Funk. I was not dissapointed, the bassist of my band had also had the same idea and was out to get down to the funk. I knew almost every song, I danced myself silly and impressed the organisers so much that I have become an honory member of the event, which is always good for where better to promote your Psychedelic Funk Rock band then at a specially designated funk night.

Now funk is my entirely favourite genre, I have loved it since I was fifteen years old and my step-mum showed me a load on one rainy saturday evening. The grooves just get me in a way that makes me happy, its mostly upbeat, when its not upbeat its chilled and can move emotions and at times very political without yelling in your face. I was pleased to find others who enjoy it as much as I do.

and finally Sunday, after many months of wrangling with the useless drummer Eugene, my dilapidated attempt at a band: Westwood Fools, finally had a practice, with a new drummer: my good friend John Hearfield.

This band has been going for well over a year now and its made little to no progress, and time is running out. I've come to accept that this band however much our material might be genuine and exciting is never going to make it BIG for me. I'm not being cliche and wanting all the fame, drugs and money. I don't want to be the next razorlight or any other crap thats around now. I want to wake up every day and make music, all day and if I make money doing it then it'll be kosher. For now though I've set two main goals, by the end of the academic year I want to have a demo recorded and one gig or two. The main problem is that we have now singer, this has been a continual problem, we're not sure what kind of singer we want and finding someone who is brave enough to say they will sing and write lyrics in winchester is genuinely hard.

However today was not about what we didn't have, it was about what we do have and I can confirm that we do have is an energy, a click and I'm not just writing this because I'm in this band. I'm genuinely proud of what is coming out of these practices, everytime we rehearse I can get it and it makes me want to do more of it and perform it to people. John is a talented drummer and helped us rework songs that we already had to a much improved state. I look forward to playing with him again and my aim now is to get a singer asap even if it takes knocking on every single student house in winchester to find someone who would suit the part perfectly.

The weekend has concluded and like many a weekend previous to now, I can genuinely smile and know full well that even when I'm down, I have Winchester, Dubstep, Funk, My Friends and My Band and no one is going to take them away from me without a fight.

Friends

Like I said before, I promised this blog would be happier and I've decided to stick to that as so far this week has been very positive, so here it goes!.....

My friends mean alot to me, the ones that are present, the ones that are elsewhere, the friends I've lost and the friends still to come, life is all about social interaction with me. 

Last night I went to see my Friends Jess and Rachel do a performance with My housemate Robin and Jess's boyfriend and housemate Tim (who is also a good friend!). it was a very thought provoking performance, afterwards we went and picked up and went to smoke up on Magdalen Hill, as we sat on top of this hill watching the City of Winch sparkle in the clear night sky, it occurred to me that I'm very lucky to have the friends I do have. The ones who are ALWAYS pleased to see me, even the people I live with no matter how much some of them might get on my nerves from time to time, I love them so much and couldn't live without having them as friends.

When I first met him, My best friends AJ was planning to move to Australia, the land of HIS heritage and where he wants to live for the rest of his life. now a good nine years later and that dream is going to become a reality.

I'm so pleased for him that he stuck to his dream and it is going to become real for him. I will of course miss him hugely, it'll be one less thing to go back to bury for. but I've gone my path and flourished, its time for him to do the same, I at least know that I'll get to spend his last summer in england with him and this pleases me greatly.

My blessings to you dude!

Meanwhile back in winch. I was meant to be going home this friday night, I'm still going to but the gang is getting together again for a LHC night, it might be the last I can afford to attend so I'm going home saturday morn instead, because I know it'll be off the hook, it always is with us.

I once said that everyday I wake up in Winch is different. This is still true, my friends create the diversity, these are the friends I'll never forget, they make my world go round.

The sad thing is that because of mine and Robin's predicament, most of our friends will be gone next year. I ignore this fact for as long as I can because it'll sadden me, but it gives an oppurtunity to milk this for as long as possible.

My new friends, people like Em and Norris and many others have also given me hope as they've become new elements in my new life. I look forward to knowing these people for a long time aswell.

Like I would my family, I would die for any of these friends because they gave me reason to live all my life.

LOVE TO YOU ALL!

the first one......aka Memories

Right first things first

I'm not going to tell you everything because if you're reading this you should know me well enough now to know most things about me. instead I'll choose to write some things you knew and some things you didn't know......

like the person who suggested this to me, I'm unsure why I have started this.......

I suppose it depends on the literal meaning of a blog, to post your thoughts, keep a diary, the usual.

I have never been one for these self-diary bullshit, I can remember every day since I was five years old.

I can remember my dad walking me down the road to nursery, telling me what the reflectors on tree's did and for the rest of the day pretending to be a crashing car, most of those trees are gone now.

I can remember the day I got my first guitar, a no name, third hand, half broken piece of wood with strings my step dad found at boot sale. I bashed the hell out of that thing, I couldn't even make any proper sounds, just lots of noise.

I remember the day my mum lost her trust in me for a long time, I was eleven and had leant a boy down the road a porn VHS, he told his mum, his mum came and spoke to my mum and I lied to her, I spent the next seven years hating her and the way she treated me.

I remember two weeks later smoking my first cigarette because the same boy dared me to, and knowing deep down inside that I was going to be a sucker to the nicotine sirens call for many years afterwards.

I remember the day I left my friends, my family, my life in Suffolk and moved to Winchester, Hampshire. I went to bed that night in West Downs and I knew I would never want to leave again.

I remember the day I finally worked up the courage to tell my girlfriend of four years that I didn't love her anymore, and the three months of pain that followed........

so like I said making this a diary for myself is..........pointless as I'll remember what I was doing and how I was feeling tommorow and the next day and the next until eternity

So I figure that what is best for this is for me to use this medium to convey my current states so that people can work apart the pickings of my brain.

so heres what I'm feeling now,

I feel lost but not literally.........its like my sanity is at stake, today I awoke heavily hungover and went downstairs and through our sitting room to our kitchen which it has to be said hasn't seen better days for a while............the state of the whole house is a testament to our laziness, seeing it hideous and messy is depressing, its so dirty that tidying is just as depressing, and I found that my peanut butter and my bread had both been used and then left open.

I suddenly felt the rage build up inside of me, I punched the cupboard several times. Now if you know me well enough you will know that I am a nice guy but I lose control from time to time. I could never use my words the way my sisters could so I punched things, at one point it was just walls......and then it was people......and now its just when things get too much, it hurts but it usually relieves the stress. well this time I felt different, as I would tell one of my eight housemates later, it was a split second where I felt like all I wanted to do was go and shoot myself in the front garden..........I don't have a gun and suicide isn't something I've considered for years...........it certainly isn't something to do over the state of a house.

but its not just the house........

while I'm happy every day that I have in the City of Winch. my life has slipped down a veritable hole. I've run out of money a bit too quickly this term, partly due to Daddy Government but also mostly because I've no clue with money, for me it has no meaning, it merely allows me to live and if I didn't need it, I wouldn't have it but regardless I'm bloody useless with it.

With this kind of situation looming I should be trying to get a job. but this would hinder me doing nothing, which I seem to enjoy alot recently and then theres the girl issue..........I don't think I'll jump into that right now cos it would just make this post even more depressing but maybe next time......

and these are all part and parcel of what is the big problem, the problem that I'm well aware of but wish to do nothing about.................Weed,

Many people will tell you that no matter how hard you try you can't get addicted to this stuff These people are liars 

I decided a while ago that I was going to write a film-script about British stoners because I'm convinced that films like Pineapple Express, Dude, Wheres My Car?, and Tv Shows like skins are unrelatable to the real deal.

I and many of my friends are all hooked and while we don't figure anything on it. for me its getting out of hand, its a somewhat Catch-22 because I'm becoming somewhat disenchanted with it yet at the very same time, every high is worth it, kicking it with all my friends and a load of joints on the go just makes the day more interesting on a different level.

I can see inside myself with it.

I can feel the energy of life.

and so its almost like I keep smoking to stay alive.

the irony in the phrase smoking to stay alive proves how pathetic the whole scenario is.

William Blake once wrote "The road of excess leads to palace of wisdom"

I hope your bloody right Blakey!

I suppose I'm just having a moment like many I've had recently where I feel like this.

in future my thoughts will be more happier and I'll relay just as much detail into that happiness.