the first one......aka Memories

Right first things first

I'm not going to tell you everything because if you're reading this you should know me well enough now to know most things about me. instead I'll choose to write some things you knew and some things you didn't know......

like the person who suggested this to me, I'm unsure why I have started this.......

I suppose it depends on the literal meaning of a blog, to post your thoughts, keep a diary, the usual.

I have never been one for these self-diary bullshit, I can remember every day since I was five years old.

I can remember my dad walking me down the road to nursery, telling me what the reflectors on tree's did and for the rest of the day pretending to be a crashing car, most of those trees are gone now.

I can remember the day I got my first guitar, a no name, third hand, half broken piece of wood with strings my step dad found at boot sale. I bashed the hell out of that thing, I couldn't even make any proper sounds, just lots of noise.

I remember the day my mum lost her trust in me for a long time, I was eleven and had leant a boy down the road a porn VHS, he told his mum, his mum came and spoke to my mum and I lied to her, I spent the next seven years hating her and the way she treated me.

I remember two weeks later smoking my first cigarette because the same boy dared me to, and knowing deep down inside that I was going to be a sucker to the nicotine sirens call for many years afterwards.

I remember the day I left my friends, my family, my life in Suffolk and moved to Winchester, Hampshire. I went to bed that night in West Downs and I knew I would never want to leave again.

I remember the day I finally worked up the courage to tell my girlfriend of four years that I didn't love her anymore, and the three months of pain that followed........

so like I said making this a diary for myself is..........pointless as I'll remember what I was doing and how I was feeling tommorow and the next day and the next until eternity

So I figure that what is best for this is for me to use this medium to convey my current states so that people can work apart the pickings of my brain.

so heres what I'm feeling now,

I feel lost but not literally.........its like my sanity is at stake, today I awoke heavily hungover and went downstairs and through our sitting room to our kitchen which it has to be said hasn't seen better days for a while............the state of the whole house is a testament to our laziness, seeing it hideous and messy is depressing, its so dirty that tidying is just as depressing, and I found that my peanut butter and my bread had both been used and then left open.

I suddenly felt the rage build up inside of me, I punched the cupboard several times. Now if you know me well enough you will know that I am a nice guy but I lose control from time to time. I could never use my words the way my sisters could so I punched things, at one point it was just walls......and then it was people......and now its just when things get too much, it hurts but it usually relieves the stress. well this time I felt different, as I would tell one of my eight housemates later, it was a split second where I felt like all I wanted to do was go and shoot myself in the front garden..........I don't have a gun and suicide isn't something I've considered for years...........it certainly isn't something to do over the state of a house.

but its not just the house........

while I'm happy every day that I have in the City of Winch. my life has slipped down a veritable hole. I've run out of money a bit too quickly this term, partly due to Daddy Government but also mostly because I've no clue with money, for me it has no meaning, it merely allows me to live and if I didn't need it, I wouldn't have it but regardless I'm bloody useless with it.

With this kind of situation looming I should be trying to get a job. but this would hinder me doing nothing, which I seem to enjoy alot recently and then theres the girl issue..........I don't think I'll jump into that right now cos it would just make this post even more depressing but maybe next time......

and these are all part and parcel of what is the big problem, the problem that I'm well aware of but wish to do nothing about.................Weed,

Many people will tell you that no matter how hard you try you can't get addicted to this stuff These people are liars 

I decided a while ago that I was going to write a film-script about British stoners because I'm convinced that films like Pineapple Express, Dude, Wheres My Car?, and Tv Shows like skins are unrelatable to the real deal.

I and many of my friends are all hooked and while we don't figure anything on it. for me its getting out of hand, its a somewhat Catch-22 because I'm becoming somewhat disenchanted with it yet at the very same time, every high is worth it, kicking it with all my friends and a load of joints on the go just makes the day more interesting on a different level.

I can see inside myself with it.

I can feel the energy of life.

and so its almost like I keep smoking to stay alive.

the irony in the phrase smoking to stay alive proves how pathetic the whole scenario is.

William Blake once wrote "The road of excess leads to palace of wisdom"

I hope your bloody right Blakey!

I suppose I'm just having a moment like many I've had recently where I feel like this.

in future my thoughts will be more happier and I'll relay just as much detail into that happiness.